For all those brave souls who are following up on their new year’s resolutions to get in shape or to try something new or to learn a little bit of Sanskrit by attending a Yoga class, I have some practical advice. These dos and don’ts can help guarantee a happy, successful class for you instead of a nightmare of embarrassment, injury, and regret.
Don’t eat a heavy meal before yoga class. You might think that this advice is strictly for your own benefit, so that you do not have to deal with stretching your body into intricate and slightly suggestive positions with a heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach. You would be wrong. This advice is for the benefit every other person in your yoga class. You see, when a human being, which is what I assume you are, consumes large quantities of food, or even medium or smallish quantities, or really any quantity, something magical happens. Through the wondrous chemical reaction known as ‘digestion’, the food is turned into tiny, tiny bits so that your body can shove nutrients through your bloodstream. You must remember, however, that there are a few byproducts to this process, and the ones you want to worry about in yoga class involve, how can I be tactful here, “wind” and “sound.” Save the Mexican buffet for after class, that’s all I’m saying.
Don’t put your hair in a ponytail. I realize that if you have long hair you will probably find it hanging in your eyes when you get into the Crouching Locust pose. It may even block your view of your mat-neighbor’s butt, which could be a good thing, or a bad thing. It’s not up to me to say. But the price of non-dangly hair is fairly steep. If you pull your hair back into a ‘high’, or ‘sassy’ ponytail, you’ll find that as soon as you lay on your back, whether for the Small Rusty Trowel pose or because you’re really tired and even Child’s pose is too hard right now, you have a big knot drilling into the back of your head, which really makes it hard to stay in the moment and enjoy the flow and whatnot. If you pull your hair back into a ‘low’ or ‘manly’ ponytail, you’ll find that it quickly becomes so disarranged that you look like you just enjoyed some of the poses not included in the Bikram manual, if you know what I mean (nudge, nudge, wink, wink.) Best to wear the hair down, or just shave your head. Then you can do even the trickiest upside-down poses without worrying about scalp/mat slippage.
Don’t wear shorts. I know some die-hard gym-goers won’t understand this. “It’s a workout,” you whimper in a puzzled tone. “What else would you wear?” The answer is, apparently, short pants. No, not shorts. Short. Pants. Like capris, or last year’s cotton sweats that went through the dryer too many times. I don’t know who invented this rule, or why, but whenever I go to yoga I am the only one there with pants shorter than knee-length. I feel like I’m wearing a thong next to all the yoga-capri-wearing people; it’s embarrassing. Plus, I can’t help but think that somewhere out there is a pose that will cause my shorts to ride up to the point that they might as well be a thong. I’m going to get some of those short pants which are not shorts before the next class.
While I’m on the subject of Short Pants, I feel compelled to mention that not only should they be sort of long, they should be somewhat stretchy, much like your muscles. The last thing you want to hear in the middle of your Kneeling Turtle is your pants ripping. At that point you might hope that people think you ate a large meal rather than know that you have a big a**.
Do listen to the instructor. Always listen. And I mean everything she says, not just which pose you’re heading into next. Not only does she know the cool animal/vehicle names of all the poses, she usually knows the Sanskrit names as well, like “Frustrated Orangutan” also known as “cyclosporin” or “Large Yacht Which Clearly Indicates that Someone is Compensating for Something”, also known as “tutti-frutti”. There’s an even better reason to listen closely, though. Immediately after asking you to wrap one arm around the other like kudzu on a mobile home in Alabama, she’s going to add, “If you want to. If you feel up to it. If that won’t cause your shoulders to simultaneously dislocate. If you want to, you can just lie down and wait for us to finish our twisting and grunting, unless you have a sassy ponytail, in which case sit up.” That part makes it all okay. Can’t manage the pose? No problem. But if you weren’t listening, and you try a pose you should have avoided the way kids avoid broccoli, you may injure yourself. That will totally interrupt class, and people in Short Pants will glare at you, in a peaceful and centered way of course.
Do take care of your feet. In case you are not aware, most yoga classes happen to barefoot people, so at some point you’ll be expected to take your shoes off and show your tootsies. You’ve got ‘em, I’ve got ‘em, in class everyone is gonna see ‘em, so keep them tidy. But not during class! I don’t want to see your toenail fungus or athlete’s foot, really I don’t, and I really really really don’t want to see you staring, studying, and maybe even poking or picking at the offending digits. Wear socks if you can’t keep your hands off your feet (hands on feet = Sprawling Pudding = hartiwojillo.)
Don’t work out immediately prior to yoga class. If you come in to class hot and sweaty, you may find that during the Tipsy Giraffe (shivasofawarma) your hands and feet are sliding inexorably apart, causing the instructor to think that you’ve achieved incredible flexibility, when really all you’ve done is given yourself a reason to appreciate the makers of Advil. Or worse, you’ll find that your sticky mat is really, really sticky. Every time you move from one pose to the next there will be a loud sucking sound as the mat clings to your extremities. Stay cool and dry, and you’ll have a good class.
Well, I’ve done all I can. I applaud you for venturing into unknown territory. If you have any questions, please ask your yoga instructor, because despite all evidence to the contrary, I really don’t know what I’m talking about. But trust me on the pants thing.
Jan
08