My sister recently got married, and in the process of helping her plan the wedding, I have learned quite a few things. First, I learned how to become ordained, so I could officiate the wedding. I wanted to give myself a great nickname, like The Terminator, but when you combine that with ‘marry’, you get The Marinator. That obviously wouldn’t do, so I settled for Minister Ordained Online in order to get free CHampagne, or MOOCH. Here is a short summary of things I learned.
Tips for the Bride and Groom:
On enlisting a MOOCH:
On the invitation, right after “Beulah and Lefty would be honored if you attended their wedding”, pencil in “and served as minister.” The recipient of this special invitation will no doubt feel so honored, that they will happily arrange to marry you, no matter how great the cost or inconvenience. NOTE: Only write this on one invitation to avoid having crowds of ministers all vying for the privilege of marrying you, and engaging in fisticuffs on your special day.
On Invitations / responses:
Once the MOOCH has responded, no one else really matters, but you will get some answers from the slackers who don’t have Important Wedding Related Jobs. They may look like this: **
Muffy, Buffy, Harriet, Susie and Bob will attend. That’s three for the veal, one for chicken, and one for the marmot.
To which the bride might respond:
I am a vegetarian. Guests must forage in the surrounding woods for nuts and berries. Ambulance service will be provided for those who accidentally eat poison mushrooms.
On enlisting a photographer:
This is as important, if not more important, than finding your minister. After all, a picture is worth a thousand words, right? So it behooves you to handle the request delicately and with utmost tact, something like this: **
Hey Biff, I am looking high and low, within the confines of the family tree, for someone willing to take some photos at the wedding. If you or your offspring have any sort of talent in this arena, or if you own a digital camera, let me know. Thanks! – Beulah
Hi Beulah; I was delighted to hear from you as always. I’m tickled that you instantly thought of me when the subject of top quality wedding photography came to mind. As you well know, I have extensive experience in this area. Please indulge me for just a moment while I list my many qualifications at wedding photography:
#1 – I own a digital camera
#2 – I have been to a wedding
As you can see, I am almost over-qualified for the position. My camera is only 5 years old, and has, or does, or makes, 1.3 megapixels. Now, I don’t have to explain to you that when it comes to megapixels, I have no earthly idea what that means, but my wife repeatedly tells me that size doesn’t matter, so we won’t discuss it further. – Biff
Tips for everyone else:
On being the MOOCH:
Apparently there are all these “unwritten rules” about officiating a marriage ceremony for a family member. Jokes like “I thought you could only marry your own sister in (insert state name here)” are apparently OUT. Ditto changing your hair color two days before the ceremony. And when you’re discussing music for when the bride walks in (Is that called the processional? Maybe. It wasn’t in the minister book.), don’t even suggest “Brick House” or “Mustang Sally” or anything by AC/DC, because I can tell you right now no one will be on your side.
On helping out with those little “last minute” chores:
Be careful what you agree to! Don’t say “I’ll do anything you need” or “I’m at your disposal.” You’ll be sorry! I’m not talking about easy requests like “Would you bake my wedding cake for me?”, or, “Please select all the music for the reception and burn a CD of it, and make copies for all the guests.”, or “Taste this champagne. And this one. And this one. An thish wunn. ann anudder ….”
No, that’s easy stuff. I’m talking about major errands. You think I’m kidding? My sister, along with her intended, renovated the guest bathroom. They repainted the walls, re-tiled the floor, and replaced the toilet. They also ripped up and replaced large portions of the carpet and pad in the living room and hall, grew grapevines over a wooden arch for the ceremony, and repainted the back deck – all in the week before the wedding, just to get the house ready. Can you imagine the kind of stuff this woman needs done at the last minute? And did you know that Home Depot sells 2 ½ “ PVC piping even at 11:30 on Friday nights?
On having 90% of your extended family stay with you in the week before the wedding:
Be prepared for a tiny bit of an adjustment. Don’t get me wrong, I love having my relatives stay with me. I love it so much that the more fatigued I become, the more of them I invite. I ended up having members of three families staying with me. I was running out of floor space. And milk. And sanity. But weddings are wonderful! And it’s great to see everyone! All the time! Even in the shower! Wow!
On the Night Before the Wedding:
It’s practically a law that someone has to consume way too many “adult beverages” the night before the wedding. In order to avoid Post-Bachelorette Party Syndrome, AKA Nasty Hangover, this bridal party elected to get trashy instead of trashed. We shopped thrift stores until we had a collection of the ugliest bridesmaid dresses imaginable. Yes, I know “bridesmaid dress” and “ugly” is redundant. Every woman who went to the “bridal bash” wore some form of repulsive formal gown, some with price tags still attached. Fifteen of us went bowling and then out to the mall for ice cream, wearing these unique garments. Wild times, I can tell you!
On the hours after the wedding:
Expect to work at this time. The happy couple has gone away for their honeymoon in their car full of waffles. (see wedding, part 1). That means someone else will be clearing out the straggler guests, washing the dishes to return to Bob’s Dish-Rental Emporium and Chafing Dish Repair Shop, vacuuming up cake crumbs and rice, and draining the keg. (Some jobs will be harder than others.)
On the days after the wedding:
These are the best days. When you’re not making your daily trip to the airport to send yet another family member back to where they belong, you can finally relax. Until it’s time to go feed the cats and take in the mail and water the plants and take out the garbage at the Happy Couple’s house. Remember, they’re on their honeymoon! Still!
This could get tiresome if you let it but I’ve found a way to make it quite pleasant. Every time I go to my sister’s house, I bring home a little “souvenir.” First it was 3 bottles of leftover champagne. Then it was a six-pack of soda. Then some hangers, a bag of chips, 4 apples, and a frappucino. I can do this without remorse if I call it my “MOOCH Fee.”
Today I’m going for the big stuffed recliner. It’s in the basement; she’ll never miss it. Tomorrow, the dining room table.
** Actual email exchanges; only the names have been changed. Also, I took some stuff out.